Self-Compassion Exercise: How would you treat a friend?

Please take out a sheet of paper and answer the following questions:

• First, think about times when a close friend feels bad about him or herself or is struggling in some way. How would you respond to your friend in this situation (especially when you’re at your best)? Please write down what you typically do, and what you say, and note the tone in which you typically talk to your friends.

• Now think about times when you feel bad about yourself or are struggling. How do you typically respond to yourself in these situations? Please write down what you typically do, what you say, and note the tone in which you talk to yourself.

• Did you notice a difference? If so, ask yourself why. What factors or fears come into play that lead you to treat yourself and others so differently?

• Please write down how you think things might change if you responded to yourself in the same way you typically respond to a close friend when you’re suffering.

Why not try treating yourself like a good friend and see what happens?

This exercise should be done over several weeks and will eventually form the blueprint for changing how you relate to yourself long-term. Some people find writing in a journal useful to work on their inner critic. Others are more comfortable doing it via internal dialogues. If you like to write things down and revisit them later, journaling can be an excellent tool for transformation. If you are someone (like me) who never manages to be consistent with a journal, do whatever works for you. You can speak aloud to yourself or think silently.

The first step towards changing how you treat yourself is to notice when you are being self-critical. It may be that – like many of us — your self-critical voice is so common for you that you don’t even notice when it is present. Whenever you’re feeling bad about something, think about what you’ve just said to yourself. Try to be as accurate as possible, noting your inner speech verbatim. What words do you actually use when you’re self-critical? Are there key phrases that come up over and over again? What is the tone of your voice – harsh, cold, angry? Does the voice remind you of anyone in your past who was critical of you? You want to get to know the inner self-critic very well and become aware of when your inner judge is active. For instance, if you’ve just eaten half a box of Oreo’s, does your inner voice say something like “You’re so disgusting,” “You make me sick,” and so on? Really try to get a clear sense of how you talk to yourself.

Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re such a bitch” to your inner critic!). Say something like, “I know you’re worried about me and feel unsafe, but you are causing me unnecessary pain. Could you let my inner compassionate self say a few words now?”

Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a friendly, positive way. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. It might help to use a term of endearment that strengthens expressed feelings of warmth and care (but only if it feels natural rather than schmaltzy.) For instance, you can say something like “Darling, I know you ate that bag of cookies because you’re feeling really sad right now, and you thought it would cheer you up. But you feel even worse and are not feeling good in your body. I want you to be happy, so why don’t you take a long walk so you feel better?” While engaging in this supportive self-talk, you might want to try gently stroking your arm or holding your face tenderly in your hands (as long as no one’s looking). Physical gestures of warmth can tap into the caregiving system even if you’re having trouble calling up emotions of kindness at first, releasing oxytocin that will help change your biochemistry. The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually follow.

If you work in a caregiving profession (including being a family member!), you’ll need to recharge your batteries so you have enough energy available to give to others. Give yourself permission to meet your own needs, recognising that this will not only enhance your quality of life, it will also enhance your ability to be there for those that rely on you. For instance, you might listen to relaxing music, take a yoga class, hang out with a friend for an evening, or get a massage.

Of course, sometimes, our time is limited, and we aren’t able to take care of ourselves as much as we’d like. Also, one limitation of self-care strategies is that they’re “off the job” and can’t be done while you’re actually caregiving. Thus, it’s important to also engage in “on-the-job” self-care. When you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed when with the person you’re caring for, you might try giving yourself soothing words of support (for example, “I know this is hard right now, and it’s only natural you’re feeling so stressed. I’m here for you.”). Or else you might try using soothing touch or the self-compassion break. This will allow you to keep your heart open and help you care for and nurture yourself while caring for and nurturing others.